Piracy
Interior. A Blacksmith’s workshop. The nineteenth century. Two men, dressed in the garb of stereotypical pirates, face each other, snarling. The lamplight picks out the detail on their brocade and brass buttons. They circle each other. They leap forward, swords drawn. They parry and slash. The room echoes with the sound of steel on steel. The taller, whose impressive handlebar moustache and black and purple colour scheme mean that we can infer is evil, gains the upper hand. The GOOD PIRATE ends up on the floor, with his back against the wall.
EVIL PIRATE
I shall take Lady Swann and there’s nothing you can do about it!
The GOOD PIRATE looks up at the ceiling, to see a brace of crates suspended above his adversary. They are swinging slightly in the candlelight. With a laboured grunt he lifts his sword, and cleaves the rope tethered by the wall to his side.
The EVIL PIRATE pauses, a look of panic flashing across his face. The rope is racing around the room; it snakes through a series of pullies, winds around a barrel, and threads between the rafters.
At the far end of the room, an open/closed sign turns around.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs.
You didn’t genuinely think that would work?
GOOD PIRATE
Well, I mean, I’ve seen it in a lot OF-
The GOOD PIRATE looks down, to see that he has been run through by the EVIL PIRATE’s sword.
EVIL PIRATE
Crying because it hurts?
GOOD PIRATE
No, it’s a surprise.
EVIL PIRATE
I pledge to kill you. We lock swords. You are forced to the ground. And it’s a surprise that I’ve finished you off?
GOOD PIRATE
Well, I mean.
No, it sounds silly now.
EVIL PIRATE
What?
GOOD PIRATE
I was expecting a friend to turn up at the last minute.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs.
EVIL PIRATE
Right, so you go off to fight a duel, telling no-one your location, and expect them to find you.
The door swings open, and the GOOD PIRATE’s SECOND IN COMMAND enters.
SECOND IN COMMAND
Captain!
The SECOND IN COMMAND throws a sword in the direction of the GOOD PIRATE. It arcs gracefully through the air, spinning on its axis before becoming lodged in the GOOD PIRATE’s chest.
The SECOND IN COMMAND winces.
SECOND IN COMMAND
He was supposed to catch that.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs, and turns to the SECOND IN COMMAND.
EVIL PIRATE
You know what this means, don’t you?
The SECOND IN COMMAND shakes his head.
EVIL PIRATE
Once I kill you, which shouldn’t be difficult seeing as you’ve just hurled your sword into your best friend, I shall be free to marry Lady Swann.
SECOND IN COMMAND
Yes, I suppose – Wait, did you say Lady Swann?
EVIL PIRATE
Yes, Lady Swann. Daughter of Lord Swann, Duke of Marmbroforthshire, Earl of Norsex, Knight of Cydonia. Apple of one thousand eyes and theif of one thousand hearts. The jewel in the crown of Hackney. The -
SECOND IN COMMAND
The one with the, er.
The SECOND IN COMMAND makes the international mime for ‘well-endowed chest area’.
EVIL PIRATE
Yes, that one.
SECOND IN DEMAND
She died from typhoid.
EVIL PIRATE
Davy Jones! When?
SECOND IN COMMAND
About three years ago.
EVIL PIRATE
That’s... Really quite a long time ago. But I suppose I have been at sea for the last five years, what with nautical travel being so immensely time consuming because of the vast distances involved on quite primitive ships.
There is a short silence.
EVIL PIRATE
So this -
The EVIL PIRATE gestures at the corpse of the GOOD PIRATE
EVIL PIRATE
- was just senseless murder?
The SECOND IN COMMAND nods.
EVIL PIRATE
I see no way that anyone could romanticise this.
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