Monday, 12 March 2012

Five Minutes a Day: Two (Lists)

Unlikely candidates for a themed children’s breakfast cereal
Ennui (Ennuitabix)
Joseph Kony
Ketamine (Special Special K?)

Semantic jokes
Everyone makes generalisations.
I know to never split infinitives.
You know what annoys me? Rhetorical questions.

Exceptions to adages
It’s the thought that counts.
(Changing the batteries in the smoke alarm.)

Ignorance is bliss.
(Your t-shirt is on fire.)

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight.
(Opinions splinter: Nuclear winter?)

Tannoy announcements I’d like to make
Would the parents of Tarquin, Quentin, and Medusa please take a minute to reflect on the years of trauma they have inflicted upon their progeny.

Would the parents of Jack, John, Sarah, Rachel, Ellie, Mike, Tom, Harry, Alex, Katie, Sophie, and Sam please consider some form of birth control?

Unlikely conclusions to a whodunit
It was a heart attack, and all of the evidence was completely coincidental.

Unlikely military tactics
Deploying a single battleship, howitzer, racing car, wheelbarrow, top hat, thimble, iron, and Scottie dog.

Fact about myself
I carry a ‘get out of jail free’ card in my wallet.
Just in case.

Unconvincing alibis
Collecting incriminating evidence is a hobby of mine.
I was fighting Saladin at the time.

Strangely aggressive shop names
Curl up and Dye (hairdressers)
Just Jet Out (Travel agents)
I hope that you, and all of the people that you truly care about, experience a painful and protracted death (Stationers)

What I would really like at this moment in time
some contrived way to end this list of lists.

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