Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Resolutions for 2014

This year, I resolve:
a) To wait until it’s half-way through January to make any resolutions
2) To be more consistent
c) To stop expressing everything as lists

I also resolve to spread fake conspiracy theories. I resolve to tell people that eating healthily does not make your life longer - it just makes it feel longer. I resolve to tell people that just to the north of York, there’s an enormous, cardboard bank where lottery winners can cash their enormous, cardboard cheques. I resolve to tell people that ‘The Matrix’ was an elaborate double-bluff by the machines that control us, and that ‘Groundhog Day’ is actually just multiple takes of the intended first scenes of a different film (the director was a perfectionist, who insisted on re-taking the scenes until it was perfect, and the production ran out of money. They dubbed all the voices on afterwards to make a coherent plot.)

Monday, 6 January 2014

Unnecessary journeys

Following a decrease in wind speeds, a drop in flood water levels, and a press conference, the government has informed drivers that it’s now okay to make unnecessary journeys. Drivers are welcome to go up the M6 to check if Scotland still exists, or to chauffer crisp packets to the nearest recycling plant because they like the irony, or to drive to Croydon to tell a vague acquaintance about a dream they had the night before, where a man travelled back in time in an attempt to become his own uncle.