Eighteen – The TV Chef
Interior. Day. A modern kitchen. The worktops are shiny, white and synthetic - like an American’s teeth. Behind the worktop stands a man in a checked shirt, thick black-framed glasses, and presumably jeans. This is a cookery show.
And here’s a little tip for you
The chef winks at the camera
If you’ve just cut a piece of apple, and you want to stop it from going brown, squeeze a little lemon juice over it, [beat] then encase it in concrete.
The CHEF draws attention to his fruit bowl. It consists of a stack of small concrete cubes.
I guarantee your fruit will last for much longer.
The CHEF walks back over to the hobs.
And while you’ve got some concrete to hand, why not try using it to thicken sauces. It works a treat.
And it’s high in calcium.
Exterior. A vegetable garden.
Now, this next recipe requires very fresh ingredients. I find it’s always best to grow your own, but if you live in a flat, and don’t have a garden shop-bought would also work.
The CHEF leans down and, completely overlooking the herbs and salad leaves, picks up a handful of earth.
Actually, I should have mentioned this earlier, but this recipe’s not suitable if you think you may be pregnant. Or you think you may have a heart condition. [beat] Or you think.
Interior. Back in the kitchen. The worktop has been set up for the recipe; visible are bowls, of various sizes, filled with ‘ingredients’. Flour, eggs, caster sugar, earth, concrete, tiny breeze blocks (about the size of lego two-by-four pieces), and butter. Three circular cake tins, of decreasing size, are laid out on the side.
We’ll start with a bit of prep work. Now this is important, as it’s the foundation of the cake. You want to take some butter,
The CHEF lifts up a bit of butter, and begins to run it around the inside of a cake-tin
And just run it around the edges of the tins. Then you’ll want to take your earth
The CHEF lifts up the bowl of earth, and tips it onto the table.
And ensure that it’s spread in an even layer, and not too compacted. You should start preheating your oven now, to one hundred and eighty degrees.
The CHEF takes a mixing bowl from the side of the bench, and starts filling it with ingredients.
Right, so now we make the basic cake batter. You’ll want to start off by beating the eggs with the sugar, until they reach a creamy consistency. This’ll give your sponge a smoother texture. Then you’ll want to add your concrete and epoxy resin; these will give it structural integrity. Now, as this is supposed to be a decadent dessert, I’m also going to add a few glace cherries. [beat] And as this is going to be a load-bearing sponge, I’m going to add a few cross beams.
The CHEF finishes stirring the mixture, and transfers it to three cake tins.
Bake the cakes on a central shelf for about twenty minutes, or until a light golden brown.
Interior. The kitchen. About twenty minutes later. A wire cooling rack on the worktop contains the smallest of the three circular sponges. On the side of the bench are a large number of thin metal poles, a large bowl of icing, a piping bag, and a small sack of gravel.
Okay, so I’ve started to assemble the cake.
The CHEF proudly gestures towards his creation. The largest sponge has been placed squarely in the middle of the pile of earth laid out earlier. The second tier of the cake is suspended above the first, as in a ‘normal’ multi-tied cake. The entire structure is surrounded by miniaturised scaffolding. At the edge of the table, there is a miniaturised sign reading ‘protective footwear must be worn on this site at all times’.
The CHEF picks up the final layer from the cooling rack, and slowly lowers it into place. While doing so, he makes a beeping noise, like a vehicle reversing.
In order to really impress your guests, you’ll want to decorate your cake. I’ve chosen to go for a combination of royal icing and pebble-dashing.
The CHEF meticulously ices, and then throws gravel at, the cake.
Done. That’s the last recipe of this episode, and, in fact, this series. So I’d like to take this opportunity to say something.
There were some people who raised doubts about my career change. They said I’d never manage to throw off the habits of my old job. I’d like to think that I’ve proved them wrong.
My zoo-keeping days are over.