Sunday, 9 March 2014

The battery-powered Luxembourg Army Knife

Unsure what to buy your friends, family, co-workers, or psychologist this Easter?

Why not treat them to a JML Battery-powered Luxembourg Army Knife? It’s like a Swiss Army Knife, but smaller, and with a constitutional monarchy. It also doesn’t contain a knife… but it does come with an attachment for getting horses’ hooves out of stones.

Buy the battery-powered Luxembourg Army Knife!
Please buy the battery-powered Luxembourg Army Knife!
Please, please, somebody, buy the battery-powered Luxembourg Army Knife…

Tell you what, buy one get one free.
Actually, buy one get ten free!
My wife is furious that the kitchen is filled with unsold boxes of Luxembourg Army Knives, and she can’t get to the toaster.

Buy one, get a free gift.
I’ll give you my wallet.
There’s nothing in it, as I spent all my money on 10, 000 Luxembourg Army Knives, but it has enormous sentimental value.

Please, buy one. Free postage and packaging. Well, free for you.
My wife says that if the kitchen isn’t clear by Tuesday, she’s going to stay at Keith’s. Keith has a granite-topped kitchenette with breakfast bar. I can’t compete with a granite-topped kitchenette with breakfast bar. She’ll never move back in.

She told me this was a bad idea. She took me to one side and said “Alan, this is a bad idea”.
But I thought, no, it’ll be fine. I thought it’d be more than fine. I thought ten thousand people would want a Luxembourg Army Knife. Ten thousand people. That’s the entire population of Leeds. If 740, 000 people suddenly died.

And that’s assuming that everyone in Leeds would want one to begin with.

I don’t even know if the knives work. They don’t come with the batteries included, and, as mentioned earlier, I didn’t have any money left to buy batteries.

I asked Sarah (the wife) if I could take the batteries out the remote and she just said no and went back to watching Emmerdale. I don’t know what she sees in Emmerdale.

I know what she sees in Keith, though. They have a laugh together at the office. Reading Buzzfeed articles at lunch. Sharing sandwiches, and lucozade, while reading about “Twelve car journeys with elderly strangers that remind you of the nineties”

I only went into the Luxembourg Army Knife business to impress her.
Well, that and I genuinely thought that people would want to buy them.

Buy one, get 9, 999 free?