Sunday, 9 February 2020

Please rate the quality of your skype call

How was the overall quality of the call
1         2         3         4         5

Audio issues (tick all that apply)
[  ]     Distorted speech
[  ]     Electronic feedback
[  ]     Screen kept leaking cheese
[  ]     Every time you blinked an old man in a purple trench coat appeared at the window
[  ]     Keyboard began to smell of burning rubber.
[  ]     Keyboard screamed every time you pressed the space bar
[  ]     Keyboard began to extrude a thin, white tentacle
[  ]     Keyboard tentacle began to explore the desk, brushing gently against your hands
[  ]     Keyboard tentacle opened to reveal keratinous teeth
[  ]     Keyboard tentacle began scooping contents of the desk towards this orifice, reminding you of an underwater creature eating krill.

[  ]     The volume was too quiet
[  ]     Everyone had too many arms.
[  ]     Everyone had the right number of arms, but in the wrong places.

[  ]     The computer ran slowly
[  ]     The computer ran slowly towards the door on legs you didn’t know it had
[  ]     The computer ran slowly towards the door on legs you didn’t know it had, until it yanked its charger from the wall, dragging it like a tail behind it as it hobbled away. You chased it – it wasn't difficult, as it waddled uncertainly like a toddler, shifting its weight awkwardly from foot to foot. It teetered at the top of the stairs and fell and now your computer is dead and you think that you might have killed it.

 [  ]   You talked at each other rather than to each other.
[  ]     No-one spoke about anything of substance, instead preferring inane platitudes about the season and weather
[  ]     No-one laughed at your joke
[  ]     Everyone laughed at your joke, but at your joke, not at your joke.
[  ]     Everyone laughed at you. At the concept of you. when confronted they hissed and opened their mouth and didn’t stop opening it until it was the size and shape of a spacehopper.
 [  ]     The call disconnected.

Wednesday, 15 January 2020

Jonathan Rigby

Jonathan Rigby
Climbs up the stairs to the room where he isn’t allowed
Goes in there now.
Gets in the wardrobe.
Digging around in the dust and the dirt
Finds guitar.
And a face in a jar.

All the other secrets
Seem suddenly so small
All the other secrets
Hurt nobody at all.

Face is contorted
Screaming a plea no-one has, no-one ever will hear.
Howling with fear.
So Jonathan Rigby
Carefully sets back the jar and retreats
from the room.
Thoughts start to bloom.

All the other secrets
Seem suddenly so small
All the other secrets
Hurt nobody at all.

Jonathan Rigby
Forces his food to his mouth with a trembling hand
His mum watches, and
Silently wonders what in the world - on this earth - has got into her son
He’s normally fun.

All the other secrets
Seem suddenly so small
All the other secrets
Hurt nobody at all.

Saturday, 4 January 2020


Jasper worked as a cleaner at the Planetarium. He knew all the secrets; that you had to polish Saturn's acrylic rings, that Neptune required dusting, and that there was a secret compartment in the Sun where they kept a mop and bucket. Jasper had once tried to shine Pluto - he'd sprayed it with some blue liquid from the cupboard, but it was made of polystyrene and shrivelled up to a thing the size and texture of a raisin. The next day, they announced that Pluto was no longer a planet. Jasper resigned that afternoon.

Sunday, 29 December 2019

Festive Party Foods

Prawn Ring
Beef Cube
Ham Tesseract
Chicken Cylinders
Tofu Venus de milo
Quorn Henge

(This post was going to contain photoshops, but then my brother walked in on me photoshopping packaging for a quorn henge and I questioned my life choices. We watched a film instead.)

Thursday, 5 December 2019


To do this job, you need nerves of steel. And a neck of rubber. And a nose made of marzipan. To be honest, it helps if you have a thorax of lithium. And alabaster feet. And ankles of weetabix. And amethyst shins. To do this job, ideally, you should have nylon ears. And thighs of dough. And marshmallow teeth.

I am not entirely sure what this job is.

Friday, 29 November 2019

Dear Caller

Dear caller, 

There are no operatives available to take your call. All available operatives are busy. They caught a bus to Southampton. They’re in a Pizza Express, laughing, and chatting, and learning about each others’ lives. Like Kevin, from finance, is a widow. Did you know that? His wife died age 32. And just after his father won the lottery, man, Kevin’s lived an interesting life. And Arlene, from accounts, is talking to Steve from service fulfilment. It turns out they are very distant cousins. And don't like each other very much. In the afternoon, the operatives will take part in a team building exercise run by a guy who went freelance because he couldn’t bear to stand pricks like this.

Please stay on the line.

Monday, 28 October 2019

Extremely Ergonomic

Dear all, 

Some of the longer-serving staff members may be sad to hear that Craig Wilson, from accounts, is no longer processing PO’s with the efficiency and wit that we came to know and love. The Finance Department ordered him a new ergonomic chair, but accidentally ordered an extremely ergonomic chair, which he sat in, and refused to leave. According to Debora (from payroll) his eyes rolled back in glorious ecstasy, and he started moaning gently to himself and dribbling. They tried talking to him, but he seemed unable to hear them, and when they attempted to forcibly remove him from the chair, he began to bite and kick anyone who came within distance of his jaws and/or feet. He’s just slowly atrophying away, in his office on the second floor, and a state of furniture-induced euphoria. Accordingly, unpaid invoices should instead be forwarded for the attention of Danny Clevinger.
Additionally, if you spot an extremely ergonomic chair, DO NOT SIT IN IT.