Friday, 30 September 2011

When life gives you lemons.

When life gives you lemons, feign gratitude and be sure to compose a hand-written note of thanks upon receipt; life is very particular about these sorts of things. It might be a good idea to subtly hint to life that citrus fruit, although rich in Vitamin C and a welcome addition to any chef’s arsenal, are not considered a conventional gift.

Explain to life that, nowadays, gifts are often given in the form of vouchers. Many people, unsure of the exact interests of the present’s recipient, choose to delegate the precise choice of present to the beneficiary ; while ‘A popular history of British Seaweeds’, ‘Managing a Dental Practice: The Genghis Khan Way’ or ‘Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoonboxes of Daghestan’ (all genuine titles) may find a loving home on some bookshelves, a book token or Amazon voucher would probably be a safer bet. If you’re going down the voucher route, why not follow it to its logical conclusion and just give money – an everything voucher.

When life inevitably objects, protesting that lemons have inestimable value in preventing scurvy, you should clarify that, while lemons historically helped to abate the spread of the deficiency disease, modern medicine and global food distribution mean that vitamin C deficiency very rarely reaches the chronic levels necessary for the symptoms of scurvy to be exhibited. In any case, a lack of available citrus fruit is often not the root cause of the ailment; sufferers tend to be elderly or alcoholic, subsisting on a diet devoid of fresh fruit and vegetables not because of restricted access but because of culinary ineptitude.

When life exclaims ‘but that’s not fair!’ you can retort, “well, life, you aren’t.”

Monday, 19 September 2011

Lists to complete

Fictional Book Titles
The rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and fall and rise and fall of lava lamps.

Advertising slogans
'Go to work on a unicycle' (The Unicycle Marketing Board)

Dull double-acts
Sooty and Teller