GCSES TO BE SCRAPPED, REPLACED BY BORIS JOHNSON
"Polls show that the public prefer him"
HILLSBOROUGH REPORT NOMINATED FOR MAN BOOKER PRIZE
GOVERNMENT GIVES GO-AHEAD TO FULL-SCALE ATHLETE CULL
"An unseasonably wet summer, coupled with an abundance of stadia and velodromes, has meant that the athlete population has swelled. The transport network is infested; it's now rare to find an open-top bus that doesn't contain a waving athlete."