Thursday, 6 September 2012

Dear Mister Dastardly

Dear Mister Dastardly,

We regret to inform you that your job application, for the position of store manager, has not been accepted. It is not company policy to give individual feedback on failed applications, but in your case we at the HR team have decided to make a charitable exception.

Under your employment history, you have written “catching a pigeon” from 1994 to 2006. While we have taken on board your assertion that he was a “slimy little bastard”, this doesn’t exactly exude an air of competence. Have you held any other positions that you could, instead, mention?

While we were impressed that you hold a pilot’s licence, and are able to fly even with a hydraulically-powered tennis racket obscuring your vision, we were concerned to hear the circumstances under which your driving licence was revoked. Perhaps, in future applications, it would be best to omit mention of your racing career.

Finally, we regret to inform you that it is not our company’s policy, nor the policy of any company that I know of, to provide health insurance for employee’s pets. Besides which, your dog’s chronic cough and pulmonary condition would be classified as a pre-existing condition.

We wish you the best of luck in your job hunting.

Yours sincerely,

Derek Hoover

HR Department, MacDonald’s

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