Thursday, 13 September 2012

Agony Michaels

Dear Michaels,

I hope that you can offer me some advice. My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for four years. We live together, and are close. But lately she keeps talking about this man she works with. How do I let her know that I feel uncomfortable about how close they're becoming without seeming jealous?

Tony, London


Dear Tony,

You need to take decisive action; go in with all guns, preferably automatic, blazing. Send a short range missile into the side of the office block and, as the flaming chunks of brickwork, plaster, and asbestos rain down onto the tarmac of the carpark, don a pair of sunglasses. Stride in through the flaming hole and pepper the desks with bullets, sending invoices (and clerks) flying. When you reach that bastard's desk, act real cool. Put on another pair of sunglasses. They should just fit over the top of the first. Nod to him, then press the detonator in your palm. Do not flinch as his desk explodes with a dull roar, ball of orange flame, and a whimper from the health and safety officer.

Michael Bay


Dear Tony

I think that you should approach her directly, being frank and honest. No, on second thoughts, you should say nothing at all. Hmm. How about saying nothing at all, but frankly and honestly? Actually, I think you should leave her.

Michael Gove


Dear Tony,

I think that you should get yourself a cameraman and a baseball cap and storm the office. Ignore that guy your lady's interested in, and go straight to the top, to the head honcho. Ask him the questions that he doesn't want to hear, make him real uncomfortable. After that, your girlfriend will find you irresistible. People love documentary makers. Well, obviously not the subjects of the documentary. Or the security. Or the critics. Or your family. But everyone loves a documentary maker.

Michael Moore

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