Monday, 18 July 2011

This post contains a laminated cardboard cut-out of a nuclear submarine

It emerged this week that a Swiss Political Party has formed with the sole intention of banning Microsoft Powerpoint. I personally can’t see why... I mean, what’s not to like about sitting through a speaker reading out sentences that are typed up in 14 point black Times-new-roman on a slide behind him? < /heavy sarcasm> This got me thinking. If I were to create a political party, what policies would I implement?

I think it’s important to learn from the successes of the past. Go with what works. Nepotism. The problem isn’t that nepotism exists, it’s that too few people have contacts of any worth. So I guess what I’m suggesting is an enthusiastic drive to marry off the elite. But the elite are too few in number to have any really significant effect on the UK’s entire population. The only logical solution is to marry them off multiple times. Marry and divorce repeatedly. Cameron urged us to ‘hug a hoodie’ I’m suggesting ‘marry a marquis’. This would also boost the economy; with so many nuptial ceremonies the sales of tiny place cards, confetti and vicars should skyrocket.

The whole idea behind Trident is that it’s a clandestine nuclear weapon; no-one should know the location and it should never be used. I think the obvious question that presents itself is ‘Why don’t we just pretend to have bought it?’ Should the need ever arise to give the impression that Britain is armed we could make a lifesize laminated cardboard cut-out of a nuclear submarine. As long as we’re careful not to let the enemy encircle the ‘vessel’, I can see this as a viable approach. This policy of bluffing could be rolled out to other sectors – laminated cardboard cut-outs of schools (fine so long truancy rates don’t fall), laminated cardboard cut-outs of hospitals (especially feasible for the treatment of the blind or vision impaired) and laminated cardboard cut-outs of libraries (suitable so long as opening hours don’t increase and coincide with times in which the populace might not be at work).

It has become clear that the UK must seek alternative energy sources – I suggest harnessing the power currently generated, but not captured, by all bicycles in gyms. A coil of wire wrapped around the axle and magnets attached to the wheel should create a current. The covert installation dynamos would not have to be restricted to health clubs; energy could be generated when punters open the fold-down seats in the cinema or on the tube or walk through hand-powered revolving doors. (I secretly suspect that this is already the case).

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