Sunday, 24 July 2011


403 Aries
Your attempt to create a sloth-cheetah hybrid will reach a disappointing conclusion as you create a creature that can travel at 60mph but chooses not to.

403 taurus
As you walk past a branch of John Lewis, you will entertain the notion of treating yourself to a nice pair of heels and a dress. You dismiss the idea on the principle that your wife might mind.

403 gemini
You will find the ‘General Enquiries’ counter to be sorely lacking, when they are unable to answer your questions ‘Does a General rank above or below a Brigadier?’, ‘When’s David Petraeus’ birthday?’ or ‘How many Generals does it take to change a lightbulb?’.

403 cancer
A trip to the estate agents will leave you wondering whether ‘wall-to-wall floors’ and being ‘just a stone’s throw away from a group of people throwing stones’ are really valid selling points.

403 leo
If you’re going to commit a crime, leave it until the end of the month when Saturn is in alignment with Jupiter, Orion is ascending and the Police Chief is on holiday.

403 virgo
Although you’re not generally a superstitious person, you’ve found yourself reading the horoscopes page. Seasoned cynic that you are, you're unimpressed, smugly thinking to yourself that these broad assumptions apply to such large proportions of the population that they’re working on percentages. Aren't you, Steve?

403 libra
Consumed by rage at TfL’s use of the tautology ‘personal belongings’ in tannoy announcements, you will storm up to the London Underground headquarters and shout ‘what other types of belongings are there?!’ to the bemusement of the security guard and admin staff.

403 scorpio
You will put £30, 000 of plain, unmarked bills in a black suitcase and leave it by the stone underneath the bridge at the prearranged location if you ever want to see your son again.

493 sagitarius
You will get in a fight with an electrical appliance. Although you will win, the victory will be hollow, tainted with the knowledge that you now need to buy a new toaster.

403 capricorn
You will come to the sudden realisation that you no longer play minesweeper or solitaire on the computer to waste time. The knowledge leaves you feeling a slight sense of loss, but no real desire to play them again.

403 aquarius
Towards the end of the month you will buy a ukulele so that you can pretend to be a giant playing an acoustic bass.

403 pisces
An accident involving a tube of araldite and a colt firearm will give you an entirely new outlook on the phrase ‘stick to your guns’.

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