The Future of Cinema

Interviewer
Good evening, and welcome to our Film Show special about the future of cinema. I am joined by Ian Trent, head of the BFI. Now Ian, can you tell us what to expect?

Ian Trent
Yes. The future will be making great use of technology developed over the last decade; CGI and motion capture. By 2020 we can expect to see all actors in all films played by Andy Serkis.

Interviewer
All of them?!

Ian Trent
Well, no. Admittedly, what with playing every lead and every member of the backing cast, Serkis won’t have time to perform the roles of oversized monsters, sentient apes, or hobbits corrupted by a magical ring. Instead, these will be bred in specialist Hollywood labs.

Interviewer
But won’t that have side-effects? I mean, what happens if one of them –

Ian Trent
Yes, unfortunately. With only one actor to speak of, a lot of the auxiliary jobs in Hollywood will become defunct. There would be a single casting agent, and red carpet events would consist of Andy Serkis arriving, eating a single vol-au-vent, and graciously accepting the single glass of champagne offered by the single waiter.

The Aquafresh of Injuries

A blurring blend of blue and black
A Rorschach on her lower back
A shock of blue and red on white
If not in pain she even might
Refer to it with comic ease -
the aquafresh of injuries
Stop asking how she did it please
And save her the ignominy
She does not think it worth a lie
so meters out the truth;

She walked into a wall.
Backwards.

Faceless Bureaucrats

Some are born into office jobs, some achieve office jobs, and some have office jobs thrust upon them.

The Faceless Bureaucrats, thanks to a genetic quirk, possess no facial features, a blank expanse of flesh connecting either ear. They have no eyes, nose, or mouth to speak of. Or with. The Faceless Bureaucrats are mute. And blind. And, accordingly, actually a bit crap at bureaucracy; bereft of eyes and a mouth, they can’t see the red tape, or ask for clarification. They just sit in the corner of the office, almost wearing a suit – in their defence, it’s quite hard to get dressed if you have no idea what a suit is supposed to look like – and haphazardly stamp forms. On some days, there wouldn’t be any forms placed on their desk, or the faceless might accidentally knock the papers onto the floor. Unaware that there weren’t any papers in front of them, the faceless would continue stamping, covering the table with a patina of red. Reassuring the rest of the office that, just in case there was any doubt, the table had been received.

Doctor, Doctor

Doctor, Doctor,
I've got a tennis player's elbow.
Well give it back.

Doctor, Doctor,
I have this intense pain in my chest
I'm afraid I can't help you
Why? Is it terminal?
No, I have a fear of inadequacy

Mental maths: a few easy questions

John, Joe, Anna, and Mohammed are picking socks out of a washing machine. They put three red socks, two blue socks, and five white socks into the drum of the machine. What is the probability of them picking out a white sock?

Answer: 0%. They’re all a rather fetching shade of purple.

It takes five men three days to dig a hole five feet deep. How long does it take ten men to dig a hole one foot deep?

Answer: Three years; the men become unionised.

Alex’s bank offers him 4.25% compound interest on his savings. If he deposited £1000 in January 2007, how much will it be worth in July 2012?

Answer: Nothing; it was invested in a Greek bank.

Andy is twice Anna’s age, and in two years he will be four times as old as Colin. Their combined ages add up to 57. Would a relationship between Andy and Anna be legal?

Answer: No, Anna is a dachshund.

Robert flips a coin 100 times, and writes down whether it landed showing a head or a tails. He then rolls two dice 500 times, and records the cumulative total. What is the probability that Robert has a friend?

A Bit OCD

Two friends are sitting in a café, chatting.

Friend one
I mean, he’s a nice guy, but a bit OCD.

A man, who had been waiting for his drink, approaches them.

Man
Sorry, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Would you mind repeating what you just said?

Friend one
Erm, that this guy is nice, but a bit OCD.

Man
Right. Now could you think, just for a minute. What does the acronym stand for?

Friend one
Erm, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Man
Exactly. Your observation is syntactically void. You can’t be a disorder; saying that someone’s OCD is akin to saying ‘she’s a bit asthma’ or ‘he’s quite hepatitis’. The English language is there to decline; don’t butcher it for lack of care.

Having said his piece, the man walks off.
The friend turns to his companion.

Friend one
Told you he was OCD.

Cardinal Sin

Cardinal Sin knew what trouble he’s in
When he woke up and went to the door;
A thousand reporters, their sons and their daughters
Were there who had not been before.

Donning biretta, cassock and mozzetta
He stumbled and tripped down the stairs.
Hoping to sight, as well he might,
What it was that had brought them all there.

“We want your head, we’ll rejoice when you’re dead.
Oh Sin,” they began to explain
“It may sound absurd but we’ve recently heard
You’re the root of all suffering and pain.”

The cardinal sighed and, adjusting his guise,
Said his parents were really to blame;
For they had conferred what he had now heard
Was a rather uncommon surname.

The cardinal’s strife started early in life
When buying things over the phone
What took the edge off his constant rebuff
Was the fact that he wasn’t alone.

Consider the nature of Mustard, a major
outstanding, but fearing promotion.
Or what of that guy called David Birdseye
Unable to master the ocean?

Manuel Labor and Miss Ella Vaytor
Suffer just like Mark Set-Go.
Consider the pain, please, of General Enquiries,
Mike Hunt, and Mister Wayne Bow.

With luck the gist of this nominal list
Will help you reach the conclusion;
Yes, sticks and stones may fracture your bones
But words can cause bloody confusion.