Dear Sir or Madam (but statistically Sir),
I am writing to apply for the position of “apprentice pest-controller”, as seen advertised on the Warwick County Council website. Please find enclosed my CV, and a fly I killed on the way to the post-office.
I feel I should be honest from the outset; I am probably not the candidate you are expecting to apply for the job. I am currently employed. I have a PhD in Aeronautical Engineering. I am a vegetarian. But, you see, I found the advert for the job – an image of a middle aged-man standing by a van full of rat poison – strangely compelling. His arm was resting on the roof of the van, and he was smiling, as if to say “one day, all this could be yours”. He looked genuinely happy.
I want to be genuinely happy. Please, can I be happy?
I understand that the position involves killing animals. What am I supposed to say here? That from a young age, I’ve always loved killing animals? No, that gives the impression that I’m psychopathic, or a member of the landed gentry. And I’m not. I’m just a man who’s intrigued by the look of absolute serenity on your employee’s face.
Thank you for taking the time to consider this application, and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.