Friday, 20 September 2013

Don't panic

Good evening, and welcome aboard this flight.
I will now run you through the safety demonstration.

As you are, no doubt, painfully aware, this is a no frills airline – so you can expect no frills… or seatbelts… or windows… or engine noise. If I’m honest, it’s actually quite difficult to tell that it’s a flight.

The plane is divided into a number of zones: the economy zone, luxury zone, Industrial zone, Aztec zone, and Eurozone, but no-one seems to like that one, and there’s some talk of getting rid of it.

Your lifejacket can be found either beside, underneath, on top of, or within your seat. (We have provided pen-knives to enable you to dig out your life jacket in that eventuality.) For the more fashion-conscious of our passengers, we also provide a range of life trenchcoats, life parkas, and life three piece life-suits, which come with a rather coquettish life hat. We’d like to again apologise, profusely, to everyone who road-tested our life-thongs.

You might have noted, upon entering, that there is a single door. Rather than fighting to get out at the same time, and all getting wedged in the doorframe like a looney tunes pile-up, the order of exit will be determined by a game of karate-jenga – a hybrid sport, along the lines of chess-boxing. The rules are simple; the removal of one jenga block by each player is followed by one kick, until the tower collapses, or someone passes out. The winner of each pair is allowed to leave the plane first. Wooden blocks can be found in the overhead lockers, while uniforms can be found underneath the seat in front of you. If you are located in the bulk-head seats, it will be your responsibility to distribute the karate-belts. If you are uncomfortable with this responsibility, please let a member of the flight crew know.

Those of you who’ve been flying with us for a while, which is quite frankly miraculous, might remember the old evacuation procedure: a game of bop-it polo. It turns out that the fifty horses in the overhead locker were actually what was causing us to crash in the first place.

We find our system to be much fairer than the traditional approach of letting the women and children leave first, forming a sort of crash-mat for the more valuable men to land on.

In the event of a water landing, three things will happen.
Firstly, a picture of Steve Buscemi having a tea party with a small girl will flash up on all in-flight entertainment screens. This is to remind you that although you’re on a crashing plane, things could be worse; you could be in a film with Nicholas Cage.

Secondly, members of cabin crew will distribute either a coconut or volleyball to each passenger. Extensive research, involving Tom Hanks, Julian Barratt, and Noel Fielding has shown that these are the easiest spherical objects to hallucinate a face onto.

Thirdly, a member of staff will remind you to remove your shoes and leave any briefcases behind when exiting the plane. Should you need to buy a replacement, may I urge you to check out the airline’s ebay account, where we have a wide variety of high heels and high-end briefcases available at suspiciously low prices.

The lifejacket is fitted with a light, and a periscope, so you can pretend that you’re a submarine. All lifejackets are provided with a whistle to attract attention, and a recorder to frighten away attention, in case you were planning to write a memoir about the experience of being ignored by a marine search party.

In the event of sudden cabin depressurisation, a mask will descend from the panel above your head. Please note, not all masks will dispense oxygen – for reasons that can’t be logically rationalised, some will be helium, others chloroform, and two lucky people will receive the smell of freshly-baked bread. Please do not attempt testing your mask on a child first – if it is oxygen, you’re left with the difficult moral choice of whether to knowingly asphyxiate a child, and if it’s chloroform you just look like a dick. Also, how do you tell if a child’s on helium?

Please take care your hand-baggage isn’t blocking the aisle or exit. If you need help storing your bag, you can ask any of our on-board staff - the cabin crew, cabin doctor, cabin osteopath, or cabin children’s entertainer. Just a personal aside, here. If I were you, I really wouldn’t ask the entertainer. He’s a bit... well, I once saw him twist a dog into the shape of a balloon.

Anyway. Please contact a member of our flight crew if you would like to borrow a set of headphones, or a complimentary mouse-trap. We don’t think that there are any mice on board, but we’re pretty sure this stems from our policy of complimentary mouse traps.

Today's film is ‘Harry Potter and the Ofsted inspection’, and today’s meal is the Schrodinger special: somehow simultaneously both dead and alive. I advise just not opening it. And while not opening it, you’ll have plenty of time to browse our selection of duty-free products.

New this season is a range of presents for children that you resent. How about getting them
- A book of Where’s Wally, but with Wally photoshopped out?
- A 12 set of tubes of paint – twelve identical tubes of grey?
- Or how about a 1:50, 000 scale model of John Major?

We hope you have a pleasant flight.

No comments:

Post a Comment