Edward Norton (Pastels)

I've been reading a lot of Chuck Palahniuk lately, and found a can of spray-fix while tidying. This happened:



(Click to embiggen).

Morning

He didn’t want to wake her so he levered himself out of bed slowly, and sideways. He could have sworn he didn’t move the duvet, but she rolled over as he stood up. He held his breath as she drew inwards, arms meeting legs slowly, but with purpose, like a Venus Flytrap closing. Why did he think of a Venus Flytrap? Freud would probably have something to say about that...

The curtains were drawn, and although it must have been past ten, little light managed to squeeze its way past the heavy, red fabric. The rays that did get through burst against the far wall, and dripped down her dresser. From his seat on the edge of the mattress, he could only make out vague shapes on the dark carpet. He cursed himself for wearing black the day before, and set about searching the floor for his trousers.

As he pulled on his trousers, she rolled again. Beneath her eyelids, she was looking straight at him. Where was his shirt? Why did he have to wear black?

He found it by the legs of the chair, and had managed to do up three buttons before she woke.

“Morning,” he said. He kept his back to her.
“You off already?” She sounded disappointed.

He was relieved when she switched the light on; in the foreign brightness there was no obligation for eye contact, and he could see the rest of his things in a neat pile at the foot of the bed. He busied himself in lacing his shoes. She watched in silence as he cleaned his glasses. He hadn’t taken his eyes off his feet.

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, turning so that she sat next to him. “We could do this again sometime. If you wanted to.”

He stood. “With my job... it’d be a bit weird.”

He slipped on his dog-collar, and left.

Television: The Logical Conclusion

It was 2013, the year that television reached its logical conclusion, and the first programme composed entirely of ‘coming up next week’ and ‘previously on the show’ segments aired. No-one voiced any objections; they were too busy checking twitter to see what other people thought about it.

I noticed, though, and decided that it was time to draw a line. Unfortunately, I hadn’t realised that the line was supposed to be figurative, and I hadn’t realised that the pen I had picked up was permanent. When my wife returned home to find our television set neatly bisected by a thick, black, horizontal line, she ordered me out of the lounge. I secretly suspected that she was feigning anger – she had always had a bit of a thing for moustaches - but decided to steer clear just in case. As the evening was young, I struggled to think what I could do; surfing the internet was out, since I put my foot down over getting broadband (again, how was I supposed to know that the foot in question should have been figurative?).

I would have liked to go out to a society. I used to have a great time as a member of Anonymous Alcoholics (you’d go to a bar, and get drunk while refusing to tell anyone your name), and missed the structure of ‘Taxonomists, Royal Society of, The’. But I was barred from both of those fine institutions, after a bit of a misunderstanding. You see, I had watched a documentary which said that ‘humans have the greatest aptitude for social bonding next to chimpanzees’. I thought that I would bring a chimpanzee to a meeting to test this.

Lesser known facts about zombies

1. The word zombie comes from the Latin ‘zombus’ meaning ‘lumbering threat suitable for a feature-length film’.

2. Zombies were not originally interested in brains. The first zombies, which appeared in a silent film in 1918, were originally after ‘body’. This was changed after they were accused of being shallow.

3. British zombies cannot over-ride the ‘happy birthday’ reflex: the duty to join in with a rendition of ‘happy birthday to you’ is so deeply ingrained that, should someone start singing the song, all reanimated corpses will stop attempting to eat you, and growl “hurgh- purgh- burgh-duh tee-oo”.

The Amish

In some Amish communities, there is a tradition whereby the teenagers go out and explore the world. Very few return. Not because they've changed; they have no idea how traffic lights work.

Life Drawing

A: "I think you can tell a lot about a person's essay-writing style from the way they approach life-drawing. In my case, I find that I start at the wrong scale, and find it hard to fit the whole body on the paper..."

B: "I think you might be onto something; I usually start drawing one part in really fine detail, then lose interest in the rest"

C "Yeah, mine always seem to contain naked people"

An Apology

Sorry for the lack of posts; I'm currently working on a script project for Oxide radio.
In the interim, please accept this picture of some armadillo armour: