You have 17 new messages

You have 17 new messages. Main menu. To listen to your messages, press one.
First new message received today at 9.02 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Rob. Can you please tell Karen to pass the remote?

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Second new message received today at 9.03 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Karen. Can you tell Rob that if he wants the remote, he can get it himself?

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Third new message received today at 9.04 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Rob. Can you tell Karen to stop being so petty?

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Fourth new message received today at 9.05 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Karen. Can you please tell Rob that there’s nothing quite so petty as refusing to talk to your wife and so going through the charade of leaving messages on your best friend’s phone?

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Fifth new message received today at 9.06 am.
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Well, Dan, I wouldn’t have to ignore Karen if she’d stop smoking in the flat.

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Sixth new message received today at 9.07 am.
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Dan, can you please remind Rob that this is my flat, and I’ll smoke where I want to. If he doesn’t like that then he can shove it up his –

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Seventh new message received today at 9.42 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Rob, again. Karen is driving me crazy, so I’ve gone for a walk to clear my head. Remember what I used to say? ‘I like my women like I like my films; beautiful, silent, and lasting for about 90 minutes.’ Karen was perfect.

Where did it go wrong? I remember when we first met, our eyes locking across the room, me walking into the ice sculpture of Silvio Berlusconi, and not caring, brushing the shards of ice into the laps and faces of the guests sitting below, her plunging head over heels onto the table of novelty miniature hats. Us both apologising profusely to the manager of the establishment, and agreeing that we should probably have our pay docked for the evening. (I never did work out quite what that event was supposed to be celebrating.) Karen is the only woman I have ever, truly, walked into an ice slupture of Silvio Berlusconi while pursuing.

It wasn’t long before I asked to take her hand. I later gave it back, upon the discovery that three hands are not very useful when you only have two arms to which to attach them, and instead asked her to marry me. She said ‘I do’, and we tied the knot in Great Haste. It’s a lovely little village, you really ought to visit it some time.

It’s only recently that her bad habits have come through. I love her, really, I do, but they’re starting to get to me. Like biting the nails – I’ve had to call the carpenter out four times this month to repair the wainscoting - and her smoking keeps leaving scorch marks on the sofa. I appreciate that she’s a special, amazing, dazzling, radiant, cultivated woman (who bought me a thesaurus for my birthday) but I think I’ve had enough.

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Eighth new message received today at 9.45 am.
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Hi Dan, it’s Karen. I’ve got the flat to myself, now. If you wanted to ... come over... I know that Rob won’t be back for quite some time.

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Ninth new message received today at 2.17 pm.
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Hi Dan, it’s Rob again. I think perhaps I was a bit emotional earlier. Now I’ve calmed down, I see exactly what I have to do. I’ve bought everything that I need, and I’m on my way back to the flat.

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Tenth new message received today at 2.23 pm.
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Hi Dan, it’s Karen. If you hear from Rob, can you let me know? He usually rings to apologise by now.

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Eleventh new message received today at 2.24 pm.
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Hi Dan, it’s Rob. Could I borrow your overalls?

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Twelfth new message received today at 3.25 pm.
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(Rob) Forget the overalls. On a completely unrelated note, could I borrow your hacksaw and your car?

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Thirteenth new message received today at 3.26 pm.
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(Rob) Also, do you know how to remove bloodstains from a carpet?


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Fourteenth new message received today at 3.28 pm.
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(Rob) Oh, god, sorry, I realise what that must have sounded like. No, Karen’s fine, I can explain everything. You see, erm, when I went out earlier I bought her a few presents: some roses, a few heart-shaped helium balloons, a puppy. What happened was this, erm, you see. Basically, the puppy ate the balloons and, er, then he managed to burst himself on the roses. Yes, that’s what happened. Karen is fine.

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Fifteenth new message received today at 3.31 pm.
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(Rob) And... erm... to explain the clothing. I , er, thought it would be cute to dress the puppy up to look like her. Yes, that was it.

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Sixteenth new message received today at 3.32 pm.
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(Rob) Dan, I could really use some help. What if someone sees the flat like this?

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Seventeenth new message received today at 4.52 pm.
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Hi Dan, it’s Karen. Do you know why the flat smells of bleach?