Festive Party Foods

Prawn Ring
Beef Cube
Ham Tesseract
Chicken Cylinders
Tofu Venus de milo
Quorn Henge

(This post was going to contain photoshops, but then my brother walked in on me photoshopping packaging for a quorn henge and I questioned my life choices. We watched a film instead.)

Steel

To do this job, you need nerves of steel. And a neck of rubber. And a nose made of marzipan. To be honest, it helps if you have a thorax of lithium. And alabaster feet. And ankles of weetabix. And amethyst shins. To do this job, ideally, you should have nylon ears. And thighs of dough. And marshmallow teeth.

I am not entirely sure what this job is.

Dear Caller

Dear caller, 

There are no operatives available to take your call. All available operatives are busy. They caught a bus to Southampton. They’re in a Pizza Express, laughing, and chatting, and learning about each others’ lives. Like Kevin, from finance, is a widow. Did you know that? His wife died age 32. And just after his father won the lottery, man, Kevin’s lived an interesting life. And Arlene, from accounts, is talking to Steve from service fulfilment. It turns out they are very distant cousins. And don't like each other very much. In the afternoon, the operatives will take part in a team building exercise run by a guy who went freelance because he couldn’t bear to stand pricks like this.

Please stay on the line.

Extremely Ergonomic

Dear all, 

Some of the longer-serving staff members may be sad to hear that Craig Wilson, from accounts, is no longer processing PO’s with the efficiency and wit that we came to know and love. The Finance Department ordered him a new ergonomic chair, but accidentally ordered an extremely ergonomic chair, which he sat in, and refused to leave. According to Debora (from payroll) his eyes rolled back in glorious ecstasy, and he started moaning gently to himself and dribbling. They tried talking to him, but he seemed unable to hear them, and when they attempted to forcibly remove him from the chair, he began to bite and kick anyone who came within distance of his jaws and/or feet. He’s just slowly atrophying away, in his office on the second floor, and a state of furniture-induced euphoria. Accordingly, unpaid invoices should instead be forwarded for the attention of Danny Clevinger.
Additionally, if you spot an extremely ergonomic chair, DO NOT SIT IN IT.

Yours, 

Aiden

Inktober: 02 Mindless

Day Two's prompt was Mindless, so here's Jimmy Urine from Mindless Self Indulgence. (Based on a photo I believe was taken by one Claire Marie Vogel). If you're a fan of experimental electronic music, I can't recommend his solo album EURINGER enough. The first time I listened to it, it left me with that weird spacey feeling Blue Jam causes.)

Wicking

"This top," the label says, "is moisture-wicking. If you go for a run, it will absorb your sweat. It will absorb the sweat of the runners around you. It will absorb the duck pond, if you run past a duckpond, and will leave the ducks as desiccated, feathery husks. It will absorb the tears of the children who were feeding the ducks, and it will leave the bread that they were throwing a sandy residue. It will render all cakes, biscuits, and pastry products in a five-mile radius a crumbly disappointment. Chefs will lose their jobs. To be honest," the label says, "We regret developing this moisture-wicking top. Please don't buy it." 

Cosmo

Graham screamed like a kettle.
Allison put down the lemon.
The copy of Cosmo lay open on the ground.
She'd done it again.
Page 24 was "10 ways to please your man".
Page 42 was "10 ways to ensure a tender steak."
On the barbeque, the steak sizzled in whipped cream. 
And fishnets.