Wicking

"This top," the label says, "is moisture-wicking. If you go for a run, it will absorb your sweat. It will absorb the sweat of the runners around you. It will absorb the duck pond, if you run past a duckpond, and will leave the ducks as desiccated, feathery husks. It will absorb the tears of the children who were feeding the ducks, and it will leave the bread that they were throwing a sandy residue. It will render all cakes, biscuits, and pastry products in a five-mile radius a crumbly disappointment. Chefs will lose their jobs. To be honest," the label says, "We regret developing this moisture-wicking top. Please don't buy it."