Good morning citizens, and welcome to Quarter Past
Curfew – putting the punk back into punctual updates on the end of the world.
We start with the headlines: citizens are being
reminded to stay at home, in what is already being described as the second day
of lockdown. In economic news, it turns out that history is just a sequence of
unrelated events onto which we retrospectively impose a narrative. More on this
later.
But first; with many citizens working from home,
the video call is becoming something of a depressing staple in the working day.
I have a press release here on my desk outlining some advice for successful
video calls.
Tip number one: accept that you will look awful on
camera. It’s just a fact that people on webcam look grey and flabby, and
smaller than you expect, like the difference between advertised meat and actual
meat. The angle of the camera will give you more chins than eyebrows and the
way that you look at the screen will make you look either lost or confused.
It’s best to accept this.
Tip number two: accept people will judge your
house. Like renaissance portraiture, the colleague who’s carefully positioned
their guitar in the back of the shot.
Tip number three: accept that your job is
non-essential. You are non-essential. In the grand scheme of things you are
replacable, fungible, The implicit message is that it doesn’t need to be
happening. I’m not sure what will happen when this ends, but I guess
But I guess we’ll burn that bridge when we come to
it.
But until
then, hope you stay well, stay complacent, stay happy, stay obedient.
This has
been quarter past curfew, and you’ve been incredibly patient.
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