Horoscopes (September edition)

Aquarius
As you watch your bride inexplicably explode, with flaming chunks of debris raining down into the pews as the smoke clears, you’ll question whether it was a good idea to get Michael Bay to do your wedding video.

Pisces
They say that too many cooks spoil the broth. As Venus rises into Mercury’s orbit, you would do well to remember that the inclusion of even one cook makes the broth unsuitable for vegetarians, and it should be labelled accordingly.

Aries
Sometimes work can feel like a game of snakes and ladders. If you’re fed up, quit your job at the bunkbed and pet shop.

Taurus
You will lose a large sum of money betting on a horse. At the second fence it will falter, causing the blackjack table, and all of your chips, to fall off.

Gemini
A truth will strike you suddenly, like an angry nun.

Cancer
Life is a matter of perspective; whereas the pessimist sees the glass half empty, the optimist sees the glass half full, and the waitress sees a table where no-one has bought anything. Step back, and go to a different café.

Leo
As Saturn ascends into Jupiter’s sights, romance is in the air. Remember that a woman is like a delicate flower; cut it in half and display it on the kitchen table and it will eventually die. Also, if you’re giving one as a gift, it’s polite to remove the price tag.

Virgo
Your film pitches will be rejected. Looks like the world just isn’t ready for ‘Every Which Way But Loose Women’ or ‘The King and I’ve Got A Brand New Combine Harvester’.

Libra
After reading Dale Carnegie’s ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ you will spend the week reminding your boss that he has no children, and that the endemic poverty experienced by the Global South has been structurally reinforced over generations by a myriad of economic, environmental, and social externalities and is unlikely to be solved by recourse to international aid. For reference, there was an ‘r’ missing on page 44; it should have read ‘make them feel important’.

Scorpio
Your world record attempt (first ascent of Everest in a canoe) will not be successful. You can, however, take solace in the fact that it won’t go as badly as your brother’s attempt to cross the Atlantic in a climbing harness without refuelling.

Sagittarius
Your horoscope writer will withhold the entry for Capricorn in lieu of payment.

Capricorn
Witheld.