Piracy
Interior. A Blacksmith’s workshop. The nineteenth century. Two men, dressed in the garb of stereotypical pirates, face each other, snarling. The lamplight picks out the detail on their brocade and brass buttons. They circle each other. They leap forward, swords drawn. They parry and slash. The room echoes with the sound of steel on steel. The taller, whose impressive handlebar moustache and black and purple colour scheme mean that we can infer is evil, gains the upper hand. The GOOD PIRATE ends up on the floor, with his back against the wall.
EVIL PIRATE
I shall take Lady Swann and there’s nothing you can do about it!
The GOOD PIRATE looks up at the ceiling, to see a brace of crates suspended above his adversary. They are swinging slightly in the candlelight. With a laboured grunt he lifts his sword, and cleaves the rope tethered by the wall to his side.
The EVIL PIRATE pauses, a look of panic flashing across his face. The rope is racing around the room; it snakes through a series of pullies, winds around a barrel, and threads between the rafters.
At the far end of the room, an open/closed sign turns around.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs.
You didn’t genuinely think that would work?
GOOD PIRATE
Well, I mean, I’ve seen it in a lot OF-
The GOOD PIRATE looks down, to see that he has been run through by the EVIL PIRATE’s sword.
EVIL PIRATE
Crying because it hurts?
GOOD PIRATE
No, it’s a surprise.
EVIL PIRATE
I pledge to kill you. We lock swords. You are forced to the ground. And it’s a surprise that I’ve finished you off?
GOOD PIRATE
Well, I mean.
No, it sounds silly now.
EVIL PIRATE
What?
GOOD PIRATE
I was expecting a friend to turn up at the last minute.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs.
EVIL PIRATE
Right, so you go off to fight a duel, telling no-one your location, and expect them to find you.
The door swings open, and the GOOD PIRATE’s SECOND IN COMMAND enters.
SECOND IN COMMAND
Captain!
The SECOND IN COMMAND throws a sword in the direction of the GOOD PIRATE. It arcs gracefully through the air, spinning on its axis before becoming lodged in the GOOD PIRATE’s chest.
The SECOND IN COMMAND winces.
SECOND IN COMMAND
He was supposed to catch that.
The EVIL PIRATE laughs, and turns to the SECOND IN COMMAND.
EVIL PIRATE
You know what this means, don’t you?
The SECOND IN COMMAND shakes his head.
EVIL PIRATE
Once I kill you, which shouldn’t be difficult seeing as you’ve just hurled your sword into your best friend, I shall be free to marry Lady Swann.
SECOND IN COMMAND
Yes, I suppose – Wait, did you say Lady Swann?
EVIL PIRATE
Yes, Lady Swann. Daughter of Lord Swann, Duke of Marmbroforthshire, Earl of Norsex, Knight of Cydonia. Apple of one thousand eyes and theif of one thousand hearts. The jewel in the crown of Hackney. The -
SECOND IN COMMAND
The one with the, er.
The SECOND IN COMMAND makes the international mime for ‘well-endowed chest area’.
EVIL PIRATE
Yes, that one.
SECOND IN DEMAND
She died from typhoid.
EVIL PIRATE
Davy Jones! When?
SECOND IN COMMAND
About three years ago.
EVIL PIRATE
That’s... Really quite a long time ago. But I suppose I have been at sea for the last five years, what with nautical travel being so immensely time consuming because of the vast distances involved on quite primitive ships.
There is a short silence.
EVIL PIRATE
So this -
The EVIL PIRATE gestures at the corpse of the GOOD PIRATE
EVIL PIRATE
- was just senseless murder?
The SECOND IN COMMAND nods.
EVIL PIRATE
I see no way that anyone could romanticise this.
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Friday, 30 March 2012
Five Minutes a Day: Sixteen (Pasty Tax)
I’ve been thinking about the pasty tax. Here’s a list of reasons why paying taxes in the currency of pasties, as opposed to pounds sterling, would be a good idea.
1. The Royal Mail isn’t doing too well.
Sending a few million pasties, first class, to the Inland Revenue would raise some much-needed funds.
2. It would be much easier to conceptualise storing assets offshore
Just picture vaults in Switzerland full of mounds of pastry, or Jersey as a pasty haven.
3. It would discourage tax avoidance
There are only so many pasties one person can need.
4. It would be easy to spot government officials embezzling tax funds
Prescott, I’m looking at you.
Possible drawbacks
1. Pasties eventually go stale
Some might criticize the Chancellor of the Exchequer, claiming that it’s unwise to collect taxes in a form that inexorably depreciates.
2. How would online payment work?
Would you find people trying to force pasties into their computers’ CD trays?
3. How would you fund services?
Unless all civil servants agreed to accept pasties as payment...
1. The Royal Mail isn’t doing too well.
Sending a few million pasties, first class, to the Inland Revenue would raise some much-needed funds.
2. It would be much easier to conceptualise storing assets offshore
Just picture vaults in Switzerland full of mounds of pastry, or Jersey as a pasty haven.
3. It would discourage tax avoidance
There are only so many pasties one person can need.
4. It would be easy to spot government officials embezzling tax funds
Prescott, I’m looking at you.
Possible drawbacks
1. Pasties eventually go stale
Some might criticize the Chancellor of the Exchequer, claiming that it’s unwise to collect taxes in a form that inexorably depreciates.
2. How would online payment work?
Would you find people trying to force pasties into their computers’ CD trays?
3. How would you fund services?
Unless all civil servants agreed to accept pasties as payment...
Five Minutes a Day: Fifteen (A Love Song)
15 – A Love song
When people are in love they say such insipid things
“You’re the apple of my eye”, “You’re the wind beneath my wings”
I struggle with the urge to run right over and amend them
So now here it is; my repressed addendum.
“When I’m with you it’s like walking on air”
Implausible, but I suppose it could be –
Very disconcerting and it ends in A&E
“With you, babe, I’m head over heels”
A large amount of blood is rushing to my head
I’m feeling rather sick and I’ve lost feeling in my legs
“All you need is love, love is all you need”
Think about oxygen; you might want to breathe.
When people are in love they say such insipid things
“You’re the apple of my eye”, “You’re the wind beneath my wings”
I struggle with the urge to run right over and amend them
So now here it is; my repressed addendum.
“When I’m with you it’s like walking on air”
Implausible, but I suppose it could be –
Very disconcerting and it ends in A&E
“With you, babe, I’m head over heels”
A large amount of blood is rushing to my head
I’m feeling rather sick and I’ve lost feeling in my legs
“All you need is love, love is all you need”
Think about oxygen; you might want to breathe.
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Five Minutes a Day: Fourteen (Horoscopes, round two)
Aquarius
Your double-glazing salesman will die suddenly. Try to console his widow with the fact that many people don’t truly achieve recognition until after their death. Just look at Picasso, Van Gogh, and John Doe.
Pisces
“Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight”, the saying goes. This month you will finally get the chance to sample shepherd’s delight. You’ll wish you hadn’t. It turns out that it’s a combination of shepherd’s pie and angel delight.
Aries
Now that your illustrious dinner guests have come to light, your attempt to detoxify the Tory party looks like it’s run aground. Oh well, Mr. Cameron, it was fun while it lasted. We assume.
Taurus
While sitting on the tube, you’ll find yourself wondering ‘Who do I call if my house is plagued by ghostbusters?’
Gemini
Your Your double double vision vision will will get get worse worse over over the the next next month month. I I recommend recommend that that you you see see an an optician optician about about it it.
Cancer
A close friend’s pet Dalmatian will give birth to one hundred puppies. Most of the wretches will be so small and undernourished as to die immediately, while the mother herself will die from exhaustion soon after giving birth. The neighbourhood policemen will call round and, upon the discovery that your friend is in the possession of more than one hundred dogs, but has not acquired a breeding licence, promptly arrest him under the Breeding and Sale of Dogs Welfare Act of 1926.
Leo
The BBC will reject your pitch. Apparently the world isn’t ready for ‘The Crystal Moral Maze’.
Virgo
As Jupiter descends into Virgo’s orbit, you’ll discover that your family is like a box of chocolates. They don’t fare well in a housefire, and the insurance company say that they can’t be replaced under the policy you took out.
Libra
While channel hopping, you’ll stumble upon a children’s animation. It’s about a group of small mouse-like creatures who rip apart machinery and scatter the pieces around Wimbledon Common. You will later realise that you were watching an old VHS of the Wombles rewinding.
Scorpio
Humber, Thames. Rockall, Malin. veering southwest 4 or 5, occasionally 6. Thundery showers and obscene outburts. Moderate or good, occasionally poor. Tyne, Dogger. Northeast 3 or 4. Occasional rain. Moderate or poor. Rockall, Hebrides. Southwest gale 8 to storm 10, veering west, severe gale 9 to violent storm 11. Rain, then squally showers. Poor, becoming moderate.
Sagittarius
Your intention to capitalise on the trend for ‘natural food’ is not as successful as you would have hoped. Apparently there’s not much demand for caterpillar cake made with real caterpillar.
Capricorn
You will win a game of Pin the Crime on the Donkey. Rules: You commit a serious felony, put on a blindfold, and spin around three times. You then contrive to get the courts to find a donkey culpable for the deed. Whoever is closest to perverting the course of justice wins.
Your double-glazing salesman will die suddenly. Try to console his widow with the fact that many people don’t truly achieve recognition until after their death. Just look at Picasso, Van Gogh, and John Doe.
Pisces
“Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight”, the saying goes. This month you will finally get the chance to sample shepherd’s delight. You’ll wish you hadn’t. It turns out that it’s a combination of shepherd’s pie and angel delight.
Aries
Now that your illustrious dinner guests have come to light, your attempt to detoxify the Tory party looks like it’s run aground. Oh well, Mr. Cameron, it was fun while it lasted. We assume.
Taurus
While sitting on the tube, you’ll find yourself wondering ‘Who do I call if my house is plagued by ghostbusters?’
Gemini
Your Your double double vision vision will will get get worse worse over over the the next next month month. I I recommend recommend that that you you see see an an optician optician about about it it.
Cancer
A close friend’s pet Dalmatian will give birth to one hundred puppies. Most of the wretches will be so small and undernourished as to die immediately, while the mother herself will die from exhaustion soon after giving birth. The neighbourhood policemen will call round and, upon the discovery that your friend is in the possession of more than one hundred dogs, but has not acquired a breeding licence, promptly arrest him under the Breeding and Sale of Dogs Welfare Act of 1926.
Leo
The BBC will reject your pitch. Apparently the world isn’t ready for ‘The Crystal Moral Maze’.
Virgo
As Jupiter descends into Virgo’s orbit, you’ll discover that your family is like a box of chocolates. They don’t fare well in a housefire, and the insurance company say that they can’t be replaced under the policy you took out.
Libra
While channel hopping, you’ll stumble upon a children’s animation. It’s about a group of small mouse-like creatures who rip apart machinery and scatter the pieces around Wimbledon Common. You will later realise that you were watching an old VHS of the Wombles rewinding.
Scorpio
Humber, Thames. Rockall, Malin. veering southwest 4 or 5, occasionally 6. Thundery showers and obscene outburts. Moderate or good, occasionally poor. Tyne, Dogger. Northeast 3 or 4. Occasional rain. Moderate or poor. Rockall, Hebrides. Southwest gale 8 to storm 10, veering west, severe gale 9 to violent storm 11. Rain, then squally showers. Poor, becoming moderate.
Sagittarius
Your intention to capitalise on the trend for ‘natural food’ is not as successful as you would have hoped. Apparently there’s not much demand for caterpillar cake made with real caterpillar.
Capricorn
You will win a game of Pin the Crime on the Donkey. Rules: You commit a serious felony, put on a blindfold, and spin around three times. You then contrive to get the courts to find a donkey culpable for the deed. Whoever is closest to perverting the course of justice wins.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Five Minutes a Day: Thirteen (The Bouncy Castle)
The Bouncy Castle
A father has completely forgotten to book a bouncy castle for his young son’s birthday. It is the night before the party, and there is only one party shop still open.
While visiting this shop, the man narrowly avoids buying a game of ‘Pin The Crime on the Donkey’.
--
Rules:
You commit a serious felony, put on a blindfold, and spin around three times. You then contrive to get the courts to find a donkey culpable for the deed. Whoever is closest to perverting the course of justice wins.
--
The man is persuaded by the salesman to go one further than a bouncy castle, and get an entire bouncy feudal system.
--
Flash forward one month.
The party was a huge success, but when the man went back to the shop to return the bouncy feudal system he found that it was no longer there.
He tried leaving it out on the kerb, but apparently the council doesn’t recycle archaic systems of government. (Modern forms of economic servitude do, however, go in the purple bin, collected on Thursdays).
His wife is irate; bouncy vassals have occupied the bathroom, and it’s adding quite a lot to the weekly shop trying to feed 14, 000 bouncy serfs.
The bouncy King has insisted on sleeping in the master bedroom, and he’s declared holy war on the neighbours after finding them guilty of heathenry.
--
Husband: “Look, I disapprove of smoking as much as the next man, but I think waging a crusade against someone for carrying a lighter is a bit much”.
Bouncy King: “He’s a pyromancer.”
--
Fortunately for the Joneses, the inflatable infantry can’t get over the rose bushes marking the property line.
A father has completely forgotten to book a bouncy castle for his young son’s birthday. It is the night before the party, and there is only one party shop still open.
While visiting this shop, the man narrowly avoids buying a game of ‘Pin The Crime on the Donkey’.
--
Rules:
You commit a serious felony, put on a blindfold, and spin around three times. You then contrive to get the courts to find a donkey culpable for the deed. Whoever is closest to perverting the course of justice wins.
--
The man is persuaded by the salesman to go one further than a bouncy castle, and get an entire bouncy feudal system.
--
Flash forward one month.
The party was a huge success, but when the man went back to the shop to return the bouncy feudal system he found that it was no longer there.
He tried leaving it out on the kerb, but apparently the council doesn’t recycle archaic systems of government. (Modern forms of economic servitude do, however, go in the purple bin, collected on Thursdays).
His wife is irate; bouncy vassals have occupied the bathroom, and it’s adding quite a lot to the weekly shop trying to feed 14, 000 bouncy serfs.
The bouncy King has insisted on sleeping in the master bedroom, and he’s declared holy war on the neighbours after finding them guilty of heathenry.
--
Husband: “Look, I disapprove of smoking as much as the next man, but I think waging a crusade against someone for carrying a lighter is a bit much”.
Bouncy King: “He’s a pyromancer.”
--
Fortunately for the Joneses, the inflatable infantry can’t get over the rose bushes marking the property line.
Monday, 26 March 2012
Five Minutes a Day: Twelve (Conspiracy shanty)
Conspiracy shanty
To be performed by a guitarist and vocalist/ukulele.
[Introduction]
We are all happy passengers
Aboard the good ship “Earth”
Going nineteen metres per second
In our carbon-based berths.
We spin at an amazing pace –
Nine hundred miles an hour
As we circle round the sun
Of great nuclear power.
[Bridge - key change and tempo increase]
You don’t genuinely believe?
Stop being so naïve!
[Chorus]
We wrote this song to educate
The members of the human race
Do not believe their packs of lies;
The earth is flat beneath the skies!
[Verse]
We can produce, for every probe
A hundred proofs the earth is not a globe
It’s our duty to show dissent;
It’s flat beneath the firmament!
[Spoken word]
Actually, while you’re listening there are a few other things you should know. The telephone wasn’t actually invented until 1994. British Telecomms used to pay impressionists to hide behind the wainscoting and mimic the voices of your friends, family, and double-glazing salesman.
And did you know that there’s no such thing as an ATM? It’s just a person who works for the bank sitting behind a metal front. Withholding your card is their idea of fun!
Children’s Calpol is actually a government mind control agent. Think about it – no other medicine tastes that good. They want you to take it.
The first studio TV broadcast was faked. You can tell because if you look at the lighting it’s far too diffuse to be studio lighting, and you’ll note that the flag is completely motionless. It had to be filmed on the moon.
Brian Blessed was a failed genetic experiment.
[Chorus]
We wrote this song to educate
The members of the human race
Embrace the truth, believe your eyes;
The earth is flat beneath the skies!
[verse]
‘Shakespeare’ was a nom de plume
The Queen’s played by Orlando Bloom
The Bedford levels are a plane
Clark Kent hated Lois Lane
[Verbal break-down at the end]
Soylent green is people!
The moon is actually square!
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Guitarist: Parallax didn’t actually credit the theory of a flat earth with veracity, but saw a lucrative opportunity to exploit the burgeoning market for lectures on the topic of astronomy in the fin de siècle!
[music stops]
Vocalist: You really mean that?
Guitarist: Well, the proliferation of printing presses which led to the increasing abundance and length of pamphlets in circulation, combined with the number of embryonic scientific journals, meant that a skilled polemicist could grow rich on the proceeds of contention.
[pause]
Vocalist: I don’t think I can work with you anymore.
[Guitarist leaves]
[Vocalist continues unaccompanied]
Those who’ve escaped from conforming
Would do well to heed my warning
Views so fallacious do persist
Trust no-one; not even your guitarist.
To be performed by a guitarist and vocalist/ukulele.
[Introduction]
We are all happy passengers
Aboard the good ship “Earth”
Going nineteen metres per second
In our carbon-based berths.
We spin at an amazing pace –
Nine hundred miles an hour
As we circle round the sun
Of great nuclear power.
[Bridge - key change and tempo increase]
You don’t genuinely believe?
Stop being so naïve!
[Chorus]
We wrote this song to educate
The members of the human race
Do not believe their packs of lies;
The earth is flat beneath the skies!
[Verse]
We can produce, for every probe
A hundred proofs the earth is not a globe
It’s our duty to show dissent;
It’s flat beneath the firmament!
[Spoken word]
Actually, while you’re listening there are a few other things you should know. The telephone wasn’t actually invented until 1994. British Telecomms used to pay impressionists to hide behind the wainscoting and mimic the voices of your friends, family, and double-glazing salesman.
And did you know that there’s no such thing as an ATM? It’s just a person who works for the bank sitting behind a metal front. Withholding your card is their idea of fun!
Children’s Calpol is actually a government mind control agent. Think about it – no other medicine tastes that good. They want you to take it.
The first studio TV broadcast was faked. You can tell because if you look at the lighting it’s far too diffuse to be studio lighting, and you’ll note that the flag is completely motionless. It had to be filmed on the moon.
Brian Blessed was a failed genetic experiment.
[Chorus]
We wrote this song to educate
The members of the human race
Embrace the truth, believe your eyes;
The earth is flat beneath the skies!
[verse]
‘Shakespeare’ was a nom de plume
The Queen’s played by Orlando Bloom
The Bedford levels are a plane
Clark Kent hated Lois Lane
[Verbal break-down at the end]
Soylent green is people!
The moon is actually square!
I can’t believe it’s not butter!
Guitarist: Parallax didn’t actually credit the theory of a flat earth with veracity, but saw a lucrative opportunity to exploit the burgeoning market for lectures on the topic of astronomy in the fin de siècle!
[music stops]
Vocalist: You really mean that?
Guitarist: Well, the proliferation of printing presses which led to the increasing abundance and length of pamphlets in circulation, combined with the number of embryonic scientific journals, meant that a skilled polemicist could grow rich on the proceeds of contention.
[pause]
Vocalist: I don’t think I can work with you anymore.
[Guitarist leaves]
[Vocalist continues unaccompanied]
Those who’ve escaped from conforming
Would do well to heed my warning
Views so fallacious do persist
Trust no-one; not even your guitarist.
Friday, 23 March 2012
Five Minutes a Day: Eleven (Eyes like a Hawk)
He had eyes like a hawk.
They were small, beady, and attached to the face of a hawk.
Which must have been quite inconvenient.
They were small, beady, and attached to the face of a hawk.
Which must have been quite inconvenient.
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