Five Minutes a Day: Fourteen (Horoscopes, round two)

Aquarius
Your double-glazing salesman will die suddenly. Try to console his widow with the fact that many people don’t truly achieve recognition until after their death. Just look at Picasso, Van Gogh, and John Doe.

Pisces
“Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight”, the saying goes. This month you will finally get the chance to sample shepherd’s delight. You’ll wish you hadn’t. It turns out that it’s a combination of shepherd’s pie and angel delight.

Aries
Now that your illustrious dinner guests have come to light, your attempt to detoxify the Tory party looks like it’s run aground. Oh well, Mr. Cameron, it was fun while it lasted. We assume.

Taurus
While sitting on the tube, you’ll find yourself wondering ‘Who do I call if my house is plagued by ghostbusters?’

Gemini
Your Your double double vision vision will will get get worse worse over over the the next next month month. I I recommend recommend that that you you see see an an optician optician about about it it.

Cancer
A close friend’s pet Dalmatian will give birth to one hundred puppies. Most of the wretches will be so small and undernourished as to die immediately, while the mother herself will die from exhaustion soon after giving birth. The neighbourhood policemen will call round and, upon the discovery that your friend is in the possession of more than one hundred dogs, but has not acquired a breeding licence, promptly arrest him under the Breeding and Sale of Dogs Welfare Act of 1926.

Leo
The BBC will reject your pitch. Apparently the world isn’t ready for ‘The Crystal Moral Maze’.

Virgo
As Jupiter descends into Virgo’s orbit, you’ll discover that your family is like a box of chocolates. They don’t fare well in a housefire, and the insurance company say that they can’t be replaced under the policy you took out.

Libra
While channel hopping, you’ll stumble upon a children’s animation. It’s about a group of small mouse-like creatures who rip apart machinery and scatter the pieces around Wimbledon Common. You will later realise that you were watching an old VHS of the Wombles rewinding.

Scorpio
Humber, Thames. Rockall, Malin. veering southwest 4 or 5, occasionally 6. Thundery showers and obscene outburts. Moderate or good, occasionally poor. Tyne, Dogger. Northeast 3 or 4. Occasional rain. Moderate or poor. Rockall, Hebrides. Southwest gale 8 to storm 10, veering west, severe gale 9 to violent storm 11. Rain, then squally showers. Poor, becoming moderate.

Sagittarius
Your intention to capitalise on the trend for ‘natural food’ is not as successful as you would have hoped. Apparently there’s not much demand for caterpillar cake made with real caterpillar.

Capricorn
You will win a game of Pin the Crime on the Donkey. Rules: You commit a serious felony, put on a blindfold, and spin around three times. You then contrive to get the courts to find a donkey culpable for the deed. Whoever is closest to perverting the course of justice wins.