This post contains a laminated cardboard cut-out of a nuclear submarine

It emerged this week that a Swiss Political Party has formed with the sole intention of banning Microsoft Powerpoint. I personally can’t see why... I mean, what’s not to like about sitting through a speaker reading out sentences that are typed up in 14 point black Times-new-roman on a slide behind him? < /heavy sarcasm> This got me thinking. If I were to create a political party, what policies would I implement?

Employment
I think it’s important to learn from the successes of the past. Go with what works. Nepotism. The problem isn’t that nepotism exists, it’s that too few people have contacts of any worth. So I guess what I’m suggesting is an enthusiastic drive to marry off the elite. But the elite are too few in number to have any really significant effect on the UK’s entire population. The only logical solution is to marry them off multiple times. Marry and divorce repeatedly. Cameron urged us to ‘hug a hoodie’ I’m suggesting ‘marry a marquis’. This would also boost the economy; with so many nuptial ceremonies the sales of tiny place cards, confetti and vicars should skyrocket.

Defence
The whole idea behind Trident is that it’s a clandestine nuclear weapon; no-one should know the location and it should never be used. I think the obvious question that presents itself is ‘Why don’t we just pretend to have bought it?’ Should the need ever arise to give the impression that Britain is armed we could make a lifesize laminated cardboard cut-out of a nuclear submarine. As long as we’re careful not to let the enemy encircle the ‘vessel’, I can see this as a viable approach. This policy of bluffing could be rolled out to other sectors – laminated cardboard cut-outs of schools (fine so long truancy rates don’t fall), laminated cardboard cut-outs of hospitals (especially feasible for the treatment of the blind or vision impaired) and laminated cardboard cut-outs of libraries (suitable so long as opening hours don’t increase and coincide with times in which the populace might not be at work).

Energy
It has become clear that the UK must seek alternative energy sources – I suggest harnessing the power currently generated, but not captured, by all bicycles in gyms. A coil of wire wrapped around the axle and magnets attached to the wheel should create a current. The covert installation dynamos would not have to be restricted to health clubs; energy could be generated when punters open the fold-down seats in the cinema or on the tube or walk through hand-powered revolving doors. (I secretly suspect that this is already the case).

In which the author muses upon falling pianos, lacquered sea-sponges and toast.

I went to see Terence Malick's "The Tree of Life". The following is a transcript of my inner monologue.

I could be watching the Apprentice now.

Just enjoy the film. The Apprentice will be on iPlayer.

But I would rather be watching S’ralan-

Lord Sugar

Sorry, ‘Lord Sugar’ with Helen, Tom, Jim, Susie and Natasha.

I’ve always thought that Tom looks a bit like Tony Blair played by Andy Serkis.

Really? I thought it was more ‘Andy Serkis played by Tony Blair’.

Get back to the film!

But it’s just a non-linear show-reel of natural history. Look, there’s a sub-surface shot of a wave, a shiver of hammerhead sharks and a group of Moon Jellies. It’s like a ‘best of’ for the entire globe.

Now that’s what I call nature?

Something like that.

Look, it’s a dinosaur. Surely you can concentrate on that.

I used to love ‘Walking with Dinosaurs’ when I was younger.

This is supposed to be a sophisticated film. Just try paying attention for a minute.

No! The dinosaurs are gone! Now what am I supposed to do?

Watch the film?

Okay, I’ll watch the film while *thinking* about dinosaurs. If I could have any dinosaur for a steed, which would I choose? I don’t think I could go for a diplodocus. People might think I was overcompensating for something.

It’d also be quite hard to find a parking space.

I hadn’t thought of that. Okay, what about an Eoraptor? They’re fast.

True, but at 2 foot long one might find it rather difficult to support your weight.

I could use lots of them. Like the Romans and logs. I’d ride in a sedan chair, and have hundreds continuously fed underneath the base.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a sick sense of humour?

Only the people that know me.

Okay, it’s a scene with people in now. Surely your attention can be captured by this. Look, a baby. Aww

Urgh!

Now this is cinema. Raw emotion, profound artistic statements -

Actors? Shots? There’s no coherent or engaging plotline. Although we’re informed there’s a death I have no desire to find out how it happened. [pause] I wonder how I’d like to die. It would have to be something with comic irony, say, crushed by a falling piano.

It’s a bit cliché.

You know how as the length of the fall increases the threshold for ‘mass of the object needed to inflict fatal wound’ drops? (Also known as “a coin dropped from the Eiffel Tower could kill”) Well, how about being crushed by a miniature piano dropped from an aircraft?

Well, I’ll grundgingly admit that it’s creative.

Or how about being stabbed with a sponge? Obviously it would have to be a sponge that was dried, possibly lacquered, and sharpened to a point...

When would *anyone* prepare such an item?

Perhaps in a prison. Inmates are very creative when it comes to making shivs.

I think that an inmate lacquering a sea-sponge may attract some attention. Besides, where would an inmate get a sea sponge from?

An aquarium.

What, you think that they could just say “I know that incarceration usually means confinement within a correctional institution, but do you think it’d be alright if I went to an aquarium today?” and be allowed to leave. Then, they would return with a sea sponge secreted about their person.

No, you’re right. That’s absurd.

Finally, you’re talking some sense.

If he got permission to go to the aquarium, he’d almost definitely return with a shark.

. In your hypothetical situation, what, may I ask, was the prisoner’s crime?

He was a short assassin. [pause] He shot someone in the knee.

I can see that you’ve really thought this through. Was the victim alright?

He’s doing quite well for himself, actually. He went on ‘Dragons’ Den and managed to get Debora Meaden to invest £50, 000 in the invention he came up with while convalescing in the ICU.

I have a feeling I’m going to regret asking this, but what did he invent?

An edible toaster. It’s quite clever, when you think about it – people only ever go to use a toaster when they’re hungry, and once they get there the Taster™ provides instant satiation.

So what’s it made of?

Toast.

But in order for a toaster to work you need a filament, wiring, casing! Surely clients complain that it doesn’t work.

In all the test groups we ran no-one actually reached the stage of trying to make toast with it. They all ate it before that situation arose.

But- but- that’s preposterous! People must have complained about it’s single-use?

Not a single one. It would appear that the test groups were all a bit embarrassed, reluctant to admit that they’d eaten an entire toaster.

That’s absurd.

It’s planned obsolescence at its finest.

Signs that I would really like to smuggle into a Zoological park and stick by the enclosure of the appropriate animal..

Hardcore Prawn
Ungrateful Swine
Python Schmython
Vlad the Impala

and, at the entrance of the park, just below the opening hours
"Do not open if the seal is broken".

94% of broadcasters bandy statistics

There is a 96% probability that this post was inspired by the current trend for rolling news coverage to back up 87% of assertions with statistics. (While there is an 84% chance that the preceding statistic was fabricated as a way of starting this post. In the words of Oscar Wilde “You can’t believe everything that you read on the internet.”)

It seems that it’s now impossible for televised debate to take place without absurd comparisons to underscore arguments. It’s not valid simply to discuss the impacts of industrial action – any contributor must be able to authoritatively assert that ‘Using the money that was lost during today’s industrial action, the government could have bought 52 dialysis machines, or a mass of rubber ducks equivalent to the weight of Eamonn Holmes’. It’s absurd, but goes completely unchallenged.

Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams do not bat an eyelid as an interviewee suggests that “If the London Underground were adapted to run on sixty thousand hamsters tethered to the front of each train instead of electricity, TfL could afford to rent one sixtieth of the Sydney Opera House”. Fiona Bruce and George Alagiah nod knowingly to each disjointed, incongruous factoid, as if to validate it. Juxtaposing two ideas does not make them relevant!

Taking things to their (il)logical conclusion, one might expect a report on pensions in five to ten years time to consist of commentators starting with clauses such as;“If no-one in the UK wore sunglasses on Tuesdays”, “If we all agreed to use a single hyphen rather than one of those extended double hyphens” or “If we imagine a penguin eating Weetabix” (which I personally think is a rather lovely mental image).

This sort of nonsensical comparison isn’t exclusive to the realm of current affairs. For years, physicists have been using the standard units of distance “the length of a blue whale”, “the height of a double-decker bus”, and the oft-cited “size of an Olympic swimming pool”. The units of weight (or, more accurately, mass, if there are physicists reading) don’t fare much better. An elephant. A bag of sugar. A fully-loaded 747.*

As the adage goes, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them**’. Accordingly, I’ve had a go at devising my own arbitrary units for the measurement of distance. There are two pencils in an owl, four owls in every shelf, and two shelves to an Ian Duncan Smith. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just seen a press-release stating that 89% of online audiences stop reading articles after 480 words. So I think I’ll stop writing.... now.


* That was a strange shopping list.

** As the adage goes after finding a thesaurus, ‘if you can’t vanquish them, co-operate with them’. As the adage goes after being fed through Google translate from Albanian to Finnish and back into English “If you can not win them to Hi’self". I digress.

Charities that I would definitely support (if they existed)

The Royal Society for the Protection of The Royal Society for the Protection of Birds
A charitable organisation working to promote the conservation and protection of ornithologists, birdwatchers and people who-liked-the-idea-of-supporting-an-environmental-charity-and-decided-to-choose-this-one alike. Their aims are achieved through awareness campaigns (there are only 300 breeding pairs of Twitchers left in East Anglia!), operating reserves (in which they can, in turn, operate reserves for avians) and raising money through the sale of themed products (the highlight of the online store being a clock that chimes with the sound of a different orinithologist each hour).



The Royal Society for Bird Protection
A not-for-profit group which distributes contraceptives to the feathered, winged, bipedal ectotherms.



The Society for the Protection of Royal Birds

Literary cocktails

Tequila Mockingbird
Pride and Prejudisaronno
The Old man and the Chablis

Extreme Waiting

Do you think you could deliver food at 30, 000 feet?
While moving at 300 kilometres per hour?
Then perhaps you'd like to consider becoming a member of cabin crew
an extreme waiter.