A day in the office at News of the World

Although the offices are now closed, the final issue printed, and the presses stilled, I can reveal that someone left a Dictaphone running during one of the normal days of work. So here it is; a transcript of Monday morning at News of the World.

Journo: Good morning, Rebekah. Did you have a good weekend?

RB: I have never knowingly had a weekend. If, at any point, weekends did happen while I was at News of The world, I was not informed, and I certainly didn’t authorise payment. Although I have heard that weekends were widely-practiced on Fleet Street, particularly in the late 1990s.

Journo: Oh. I thought you said on Friday that you were going for a meal with the Camerons?

RB: I don’t know the name.

Journo: Really?

RB: Not at all. I did not know that ‘David Cameron’ worked for the British government until 2011, and I’m sure he would deny that he’s ever met me.

[the door swings open and Rupert and James Murdoch walk in]

Journo Good morning James, I’m glad that you’re here, actually, I needed to ask-

RM: This is the most humble day of my life -

JM: Sorry, what were you going to ask?

Journo: Well, after you left on Friday, I discovered that my copy of -

RM: This is the most humble day of my life -

JM: Sorry, just ignore him. Do go on.

Journo: So, as I was saying, when I was tidying up my office on Friday, I discovered that my thesaurus had been closed. Now, I wouldn’t ordinarily mind, but I had spent literally minutes sifting through the pages to find a good synonym for ‘scum’ (with fewer than three syllables so that our readers wouldn’t feel alienated). I left the office for a minute to answer the phone, and when I returned, all my hard work was lost.

JM: The closure of a book with 160- odd pages is something that is a grave thing.

Journo: Well, it’s not just that.
Obviously, after noticing the book was closed I tried to open it again. I promptly discovered that the pages were stuck together with superglue!

JM: I’m as surprised and shocked to learn that as you are.

Journo: Hmm. Do you know who glued the pages of my thesaurus together, Mr. Murdoch?

RM: This is not an excuse, but your thesaurus constitutes less than 1% of the books in this company.

Journo: So you did it?

RM: No. But I would be willing to make you a rather generous cash payment to make this whole mess go away. I think that, frankly, I’m the best person to clear this up.

Fly another day

Mark Twain once wrote that ‘truth is stranger than fiction’. It’s also considerably cheaper (seeing as it – usually – doesn’t entail fees for printing, marketing, warehousing or consulting editors) and contains a surprisingly large supporting cast.

In a great example of unlikely truths, a vulture is currently being held in custody in Saudi Arabia, under suspicion of spying on behalf of the Israeli secret service. The decision to capture the bird was made following the discovery of a GPS transmitter around its ankle with an accompanying tag from Tel Aviv University. Avian specialists have claimed that the bird is not, in fact, a covert operative but merely involved in a study of the species’ migration patterns.

I’m inclined to believe them. I mean, can you imagine a spy-vulture?



If actual espionage bears any resemblance to the books, films and games of the Bond franchise, then dinner jackets are to be worn at all times, by all parties.



It’s not just a matter of sartorial convention.



Red wire?
Blue wire?
It’s entirely academic.

(As ever, roll over images for alternative punchlines).