Horoscopes

Your attempt to create a sloth-cheetah hybrid will reach a disappointing conclusion as you create a creature that can travel at 60mph but chooses not to.


As you walk past a branch of John Lewis, you will entertain the notion of treating yourself to a nice pair of heels and a dress. You dismiss the idea on the principle that your wife might mind.


You will find the ‘General Enquiries’ counter to be sorely lacking, when they are unable to answer your questions ‘Does a General rank above or below a Brigadier?’, ‘When’s David Petraeus’ birthday?’ or ‘How many Generals does it take to change a lightbulb?’.


A trip to the estate agents will leave you wondering whether ‘wall-to-wall floors’ and being ‘just a stone’s throw away from a group of people throwing stones’ are really valid selling points.


If you’re going to commit a crime, leave it until the end of the month when Saturn is in alignment with Jupiter, Orion is ascending and the Police Chief is on holiday.


Although you’re not generally a superstitious person, you’ve found yourself reading the horoscopes page. Seasoned cynic that you are, you're unimpressed, smugly thinking to yourself that these broad assumptions apply to such large proportions of the population that they’re working on percentages. Aren't you, Steve?


Consumed by rage at TfL’s use of the tautology ‘personal belongings’ in tannoy announcements, you will storm up to the London Underground headquarters and shout ‘what other types of belongings are there?!’ to the bemusement of the security guard and admin staff.


You will put £30, 000 of plain, unmarked bills in a black suitcase and leave it by the stone underneath the bridge at the prearranged location if you ever want to see your son again.


You will get in a fight with an electrical appliance. Although you will win, the victory will be hollow, tainted with the knowledge that you now need to buy a new toaster.


You will come to the sudden realisation that you no longer play minesweeper or solitaire on the computer to waste time. The knowledge leaves you feeling a slight sense of loss, but no real desire to play them again.


Towards the end of the month you will buy a ukulele so that you can pretend to be a giant playing an acoustic bass.


An accident involving a tube of araldite and a colt firearm will give you an entirely new outlook on the phrase ‘stick to your guns’.