White smoke – New pope.
Grey smoke – Oh no, the new pope’s on fire!
No smoke – It’s okay, we dragged him from the pyre
Intermittent smoke – The new pope keeps crawling back into the flames
Green smoke – The new pope’s… melting? His flesh is coming off in lumps.
Blue smoke – That’s not a human skeleton.
Red smoke – That’s definitely not a human skeleton.
Beige smoke – The segmented thing that, until recently, was lodged
just below the pope’s sternum has begun to scale the wall.
White smoke (faint) – Is… is that our new pope? I guess we did just appoint it.
Pink smoke – All hail the scuttling pope.
Taupe smoke – The scuttling pope has descended to address the committee.
Teal smoke – The scuttling pope has dislocated its jaw, and begun to eat
the committee.
Gold smoke – The remains of the committee are hiding under the table.
Lime smoke – Except for Father Benedict, who has stayed to man the
smoke signals.
Chartreuse smoke – Father Ferdinand is going for the papal harpoon gun.
Sepia smoke – Father Ferdinand is firing the papal harpoon gun.
Mauve smoke – Something large has fallen. It hit the floor with a thud.
Violet smoke – The committee are peeking their heads around the
table legs, craning to see if the new pope is dead.
Navy smoke – The body of the new pope is twitching. Father
Ferdinand is covered in green gore. He’s trembling like a leaf.
Cerulean smoke – The committee have exchanged meaningful glances.
They lift the papal robes from the twitching corpse, and drape them over Father Ferdinand's gooey shoulders. They don’t hang majestically, but cling to his shaking form.
White smoke - New pope.
