New for 2021!
Anti-Death
Cream
Death approaches.
Inexorably. Inevitably. Relentlessly. It lumbers around street corners. Scampers over tiled rooftops. Crouches suspiciously behind the crates of bananas in the Tesco
fresh fruit aisle. Pretend that it isn’t coming for you with our patented anti-death
cream. It stops your skin from looking like your parents bought it one size too big, waiting for you to grow into
it.
Smoothing
and Mattifying Serum
Apply this
serum, and people will perceive your head as a perfect, featureless sphere. We don’t
know why you want this, but we’ve seen other creams on the market claiming to
offer those things, and ours actually follows through.
Earshadow
Accentuate
your ears with our extensive range of ear shadows. This season, new palettes include
shimmering metallics and vibrant neons.
Flesh-Removing
Facial Scrub
Get back to the
bone with our classic facial scrub. Contains hyaluronic acid to bring the
moisture to the surface of your skin, and hydrochloric acid to bring the skin
off your face.
Waterproof,
Bombproof mascara
For days when
you need staying power. This patented weather-resistant formula will stay on
your face for twenty-four hours regardless of rain, snow, or nuclear fallout.
Expanding
Shaving Foam
Guarantees
a smooth, friction-free glide, and can also be used to fix cracks in plaster, dry
wall, asbestos, UPC, and metal. Contains tea tree oil for a pleasant scent, and
mineral wool for thermal insulation.
