Tortured Artists Inc.

Do you have an aspiring artist in your life? Is their work technically sound, but missing the intensity that would elevate their work from competent to compelling? Do you believe that true art emerges from pain? For a small monthly fee, our trained practitioners will torture your artist. We will destroy their lives on a professional, emotional, and recreational level, leaving them primed for creative endeavour. We promise abject misery in 20 days, or your money back. Please note: our agents are qualified professionals, please do not attempt to torture your artist on your own. We offer our patented ‘Golden Blue’ promise – we will make your artist insecure enough to seek the approval of strangers, but not so broken that they are incapable of creating anything. For more details, please visit www.theinfnitemiserycompany.com

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How was the overall quality of the call

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Audio issues (tick all that apply)

[  ]     Distorted speech

[  ]     Electronic feedback

[  ]     Screen kept leaking cheese

[  ]     Every time you blinked an old man in a purple trench coat appeared at the window

[  ]     Keyboard began to smell of burning rubber.

[  ]     Keyboard screamed every time you pressed the space bar

[  ]     Keyboard began to extrude a thin, white tentacle

[  ]     Keyboard tentacle began to explore the desk, brushing gently against your hands

[  ]     Keyboard tentacle opened to reveal keratinous teeth

[  ]     Keyboard tentacle began scooping contents of the desk towards this orifice, reminding you of an underwater creature eating krill.

[  ]     The volume was too quiet

[  ]     Everyone had too many arms.

[  ]     Everyone had the right number of arms, but in the wrong places.

[  ]     The computer ran slowly

[  ]     The computer ran slowly towards the door on legs you didn’t know it had

[  ]     The computer ran slowly towards the door on legs you didn’t know it had, until it yanked its charger from the wall, dragging it like a tail behind it as it hobbled away. You chased it – it wasn't difficult, as it waddled uncertainly like a toddler, shifting its weight awkwardly from foot to foot. It teetered at the top of the stairs and fell and now your computer is dead and you think that you might have killed it.

 [  ]   You talked at each other rather than to each other.

[  ]     No-one spoke about anything of substance, instead preferring inane platitudes about the season and weather

[  ]     No-one laughed at your joke

[  ]     Everyone laughed at your joke, but at your joke, not at your joke.

[  ]     Everyone laughed at you. At the concept of you. when confronted they hissed and opened their mouth and didn’t stop opening it until it was the size and shape of a spacehopper.

 [  ]     The call disconnected.